Seriously, sigh, inhate to start the year ranting but I don’t wish to rant to anyone but to myself because no one deserves to waste time on me to listen to all these. So yes, I’m still gonna reject and say no to a certain character who is perpetually talking abt the same thing again and again. Efficient and effective please. Life got a lot of other stuff to deal with, or rather, Montana has a lot to juggle, what seems really major to you is but a small part of the many hats and stuff I juggle. If I, at merely 25, can juggle, I’m sure you can.

Remember, ai zap. Montana is zap mass.

From an exessively hyper girl at 14, ready to conquer the world and more, you’ve mellowed down with the weight of the world to the young woman you are today…I’ve watched you grow, through laughter and tears…I’ve seen you glow in love and have your heart broken…with pride I gave you a special gift for your 21st birthday from the sister you wished you had….and now as you reach(ed) your “quarter life crisis” point, my gift to you is the promise that I will always be there, as I have been for more than a decade….you really are like a sister to me, and I love you dearly….happy birthday little one and may all your dreams come true

it sure feels like we are back to the starting line. more of nothing started but dies a premature death that one the emotions is contemplating to grapple with.

insinuations, suggestions and even bold advice to meander, deviate and divert from what we originally start from. the question remains. was it supposed to begin in the first place.

we doubt, pray and desperately trying to find an answer. but none. not because the world is not fair and God is playing a trick on us. but because this at 2 levels, might be a non issue in the first place.

now that we want to think about the genesis. was it meant to be in the first place. who knows. i don’t and either do you. choose and stick with it and be stuck to it despite the world’s persuasion. persuade what if you don’t allow yourself to be persuaded in the first place?

i miss literature, my first love. i miss the ability to write and not be judged by the critical voice in my head.

but i’m learning. my priorities are my family, my cell and my students. and my boyfriend! and how i relate to them has got to do with how at peace and in sync with God.

sometimes, referring to b as my boyfriend feels surreal. i love my boy!

day has been good thus far, i think i went a little over about the shopping but the price is cheap here and i justify it by telling myself that i havent been shopping much. and the fact that i was resting at 11am instead of doing work is a blessing already. so no complaints!

restful thus far, hope will get to know the colleagues better too.

so this is how it goes so that we can r enact this when the time comes for it to be so.

after dinner, a bus down to mbs despite me complaining that my feet hurts.

ferragamos at mbs was distracting but the boy ensured we were on task.

so the lights and water show came on, together with fire and bubbles. then it was, slightly after the show, mister b turned to me.

dear, i am going to pass you something small, you take your time to reply ok. (by now i was a little scared about what he is going to show me)

out came a little blue box. (nah, NOT tiffany&co kind of blue.) It was a blue box that i remotely telling him that i would like as he asked what colour would be nice to put a gift in.

and in that box, an origami. heart-shaped, bright red.

would you accept this heart which is full of flaws and imperfections?

i hesitated. stunned, definitely. never expected him to pull this off since i have already told him, no need any tricks.

he moved a little closer and whispered into my ear.

做我的女朋友好吗？

i buried my head into his arms, then whispered into his ear.

ok

and the journey of mister b and hannahmontana begins with a prayer.

dresses, flower girls and ringbearer

tiny hands and feet, eyes yet to recognise whose who.

in a day, i received news. fren being aunt, fren thinking of proposing to another fren. and fren wondering when she can go to aus given that her life’s gonna change with the newborn.

and i’m still stuck, steps behind. someone must have moved the lines.

how can you be an expert of things you have not experienced? i’m nowhere near the aisle but i know the exact steps to take to get down there. i’m definitely nowhere near the delivery room but newborns just gave me that reason to smile.

to sum it, i’m stuck and i have no idea how we’re gonna move forward. because I have surrendered the pen to the Author.

i may or may not experience an earthly romance, marriage and having earthly kids but i know the one Who pursues me with everything.

i’m living for the now, what i know now, I do. what i do not know now, i trust God.

how do we do lives together yet keeping part of ourselves and identity intact? granted we cannot not come home as and when we want, need to contribute to the finances of the household, can’t quite hang out with friends just like that or to do things spontaneously. but i’m sure we can retain who we are despite the change in martial status, right?

i’m not sure, maybe i got frightened at the fact that i would need to take care of someone else when i cant quite take care of myself. i need to wear more hats and play roles that have certain expectations. i don’t think i’m ever ready for these.

yet, there is a stirring, that quick passing thought of having someone to love and hold, cherish and be with till death do us part. lofty ideals? not necessary. but attainable given the other things i would want to pursue?

if i rather pursue my dreams, how would society perceive me? selfish? too driven? and if so, is there anything wrong with being driven? what’s wrong with wanting to do excel in other aspects of life other than being blissfully married and starting a family?

at this juncture, my fourth finger on the left is bare and it will continue to be so for the next few years. i don’t know how long that would last. 5 years? 10 years? or probably for the rest of my life. i have no answers right now but perhaps i should start getting used to seeing people get married, wish them well and count it a bonus if i do end up in front of the altar saying my vows.

it’s not called Holy Matrimony for nothing.

at the end of my thank you speech, i’ll turn to the groom and say thank you for taking that step of faith to marry me and to thank him for being the answer to my friends’ prayer.

conditional if applies.

was asked by the previous ct to join them to conduct creative arts programme for the kids. who says teaching lit has to be during curriculum hours? of course no and esp when no pressure of exams, this is education. so yes, i may not have students scoring As for lit but at least i should produce docs lawyers enginners who can read and write and are creative? since no one eats poetry… )

but in other news, i’m upset. and i asked myself why i am upset. pride? ego? i need to humble myself. i’m just but a beginner. hiccups are suppose to happen, woman. you are not perfect. and stop being idealistic thinking that you can save the world and solve every issue everyone face. sigh, i dont like it when ppl doubt or express some hesitation about my ability. my academic and professional abilities.

grace, Lord. humility and honouring the bosses and whoever i need to honour.

it is mean to countdown but we are almost 1 term down, 7 terms to go. i hate the underlying competition and the need to be visible. maybe i’m thinking too much. maybe i should just do what i do best and not care. keep the self out of politics. it’s a pretty scary thought but never the less.

i dont need to shine. i just need to stay sane before im outta here. not because i dont like the place. i just dont like it enough to serve my life there.

it’s gonna be a long way home. ok, not gonna think too much.

never felt so irritated in my life. such a hypocrite to be nice when i dont really like the person in the first place. then again, i shouldnt measure the person with my CD standards cos it’s insane to match it. and no one has the obligation to do that. so who cares, i dont care already. i will just do what i need to do and do them well.

need a holiday desperately.